Dear Kellogg's,
I am writing to inform you that whilst undertaking the unenvious task of preparing my Mothers breakfast of Bran Flakes & egg mayonnaise this morning I came across one of your Bran Flakes which had a striking resemblance to Joan Sims of 'Carry On..' fame.
I'm sure you'll agree that this is wholly more exciting than finding Jesus in your Marmite and frankly much more of a miracle.
By this point you are most likely considering that I must be a somewhat eagle eyed fellow having spotted Joan's beaming face staring out at me as the Bran Flakes cascaded from packet to bowl like a crinkly brown waterfall. But alas I must admit that I am not that kind of chap.
The simple truth is that each Bran Flake must be hand picked and intensely inspected by myself each morning as Mother is petrified that a member of staff at your Bran Flake packaging factory may have a vendetta against elderly ladies who like to keep regular and could have laced a packet with some form of foreign object which once hidden amongst the Bran Flakes by the rich and creamy homemade egg mayonnaise could become lodged in her throat and cause her to choke.
You may consider this unlikely but let me assure you that my Mother has many enemies and is also prone to phantom choking fits of which I am not always as attentive to as I am the selection of Bran Flakes.
So, having spotted the delightful and cherubic face of dear departed Joan I carefully set her to one side with the intention of taking a Polaroid which I would have sent you as an accompaniment to this missive, I'm sure you would have put it up in your office and enjoyed it's charms along with your colleges, but sadly I did not keep the Joan Bran Flake as safe as I do my collection of James Herriot special edition tea flasks...
You see I foolishly placed beautiful brown and crunchy Joan beside an open window and can only assume that whilst I was at first feeding Mother breakfast and then helping her onto her lounge potty that a bird, perhaps a Jackdaw, landed upon the window ledge and upon casting it's tiny black eyes upon the wondrous Joan picked her up in it's beak and now spends it's evening pruning it's feathers and eating small voles in it's nest while adoring the afore mentioned Joan Flake.
So I wondered if it might be possible that you could either send me some form of monetary imbursement or perhaps commit to extending your range of Joan Flakes and making them available to all who enjoy a simple and wholesome way to help improve the health of their digestive system in the form of Joan Simms face.
Kindest Regards,
Arnold Stephen Farquart-Glubbe
