Wednesday, October 06, 2010
Your Stars - Libra
Saturday, October 02, 2010
The Joan Flake - Arnold's letter to Kellogs
Dear Kellogg's,
I am writing to inform you that whilst undertaking the unenvious task of preparing my Mothers breakfast of Bran Flakes & egg mayonnaise this morning I came across one of your Bran Flakes which had a striking resemblance to Joan Sims of 'Carry On..' fame.
I'm sure you'll agree that this is wholly more exciting than finding Jesus in your Marmite and frankly much more of a miracle.
By this point you are most likely considering that I must be a somewhat eagle eyed fellow having spotted Joan's beaming face staring out at me as the Bran Flakes cascaded from packet to bowl like a crinkly brown waterfall. But alas I must admit that I am not that kind of chap.
The simple truth is that each Bran Flake must be hand picked and intensely inspected by myself each morning as Mother is petrified that a member of staff at your Bran Flake packaging factory may have a vendetta against elderly ladies who like to keep regular and could have laced a packet with some form of foreign object which once hidden amongst the Bran Flakes by the rich and creamy homemade egg mayonnaise could become lodged in her throat and cause her to choke.
You may consider this unlikely but let me assure you that my Mother has many enemies and is also prone to phantom choking fits of which I am not always as attentive to as I am the selection of Bran Flakes.
So, having spotted the delightful and cherubic face of dear departed Joan I carefully set her to one side with the intention of taking a Polaroid which I would have sent you as an accompaniment to this missive, I'm sure you would have put it up in your office and enjoyed it's charms along with your colleges, but sadly I did not keep the Joan Bran Flake as safe as I do my collection of James Herriot special edition tea flasks...
You see I foolishly placed beautiful brown and crunchy Joan beside an open window and can only assume that whilst I was at first feeding Mother breakfast and then helping her onto her lounge potty that a bird, perhaps a Jackdaw, landed upon the window ledge and upon casting it's tiny black eyes upon the wondrous Joan picked her up in it's beak and now spends it's evening pruning it's feathers and eating small voles in it's nest while adoring the afore mentioned Joan Flake.
So I wondered if it might be possible that you could either send me some form of monetary imbursement or perhaps commit to extending your range of Joan Flakes and making them available to all who enjoy a simple and wholesome way to help improve the health of their digestive system in the form of Joan Simms face.
Kindest Regards,
Arnold Stephen Farquart-Glubbe
I am writing to inform you that whilst undertaking the unenvious task of preparing my Mothers breakfast of Bran Flakes & egg mayonnaise this morning I came across one of your Bran Flakes which had a striking resemblance to Joan Sims of 'Carry On..' fame.
I'm sure you'll agree that this is wholly more exciting than finding Jesus in your Marmite and frankly much more of a miracle.
By this point you are most likely considering that I must be a somewhat eagle eyed fellow having spotted Joan's beaming face staring out at me as the Bran Flakes cascaded from packet to bowl like a crinkly brown waterfall. But alas I must admit that I am not that kind of chap.
The simple truth is that each Bran Flake must be hand picked and intensely inspected by myself each morning as Mother is petrified that a member of staff at your Bran Flake packaging factory may have a vendetta against elderly ladies who like to keep regular and could have laced a packet with some form of foreign object which once hidden amongst the Bran Flakes by the rich and creamy homemade egg mayonnaise could become lodged in her throat and cause her to choke.
You may consider this unlikely but let me assure you that my Mother has many enemies and is also prone to phantom choking fits of which I am not always as attentive to as I am the selection of Bran Flakes.
So, having spotted the delightful and cherubic face of dear departed Joan I carefully set her to one side with the intention of taking a Polaroid which I would have sent you as an accompaniment to this missive, I'm sure you would have put it up in your office and enjoyed it's charms along with your colleges, but sadly I did not keep the Joan Bran Flake as safe as I do my collection of James Herriot special edition tea flasks...
You see I foolishly placed beautiful brown and crunchy Joan beside an open window and can only assume that whilst I was at first feeding Mother breakfast and then helping her onto her lounge potty that a bird, perhaps a Jackdaw, landed upon the window ledge and upon casting it's tiny black eyes upon the wondrous Joan picked her up in it's beak and now spends it's evening pruning it's feathers and eating small voles in it's nest while adoring the afore mentioned Joan Flake.
So I wondered if it might be possible that you could either send me some form of monetary imbursement or perhaps commit to extending your range of Joan Flakes and making them available to all who enjoy a simple and wholesome way to help improve the health of their digestive system in the form of Joan Simms face.
Kindest Regards,
Arnold Stephen Farquart-Glubbe
Friday, October 01, 2010
Arnold's Letter to Purina
Dear Purina One,
My Mother is an avid lover of cats and highly recommends your products to other like minded people she meets at her Water Hopscotch group at Hagerstown Baths on Wednesdays.
Her favoured bread of feline is the Affenpinscher, this was decided with complete predecision of partiality after watching an episode of Casualty in which Charlie Fairhead & Martin 'Ash' Ashford shared an apple turnover for elevenses.
We have been buying 'Adult Maturity +7' from various retailers for the past seven months at the rate of two 800g pouches a day. As you can imagine this has amounted to quite a considerable cost to us and I somewhat fear that this will prove to diminish my expected inheritance windfall when Mother eventually departs this mortal realm
The truth is we have been spending so much on cat food that we have been unable to take a holiday in Brittany this summer.
The situation is compounded by the fact that we don't even own a cat due to the fact Mother is allergic to their breath.
But your televisual advertisements are made with such persuasive eloquence that we feel it would be foolish of us not buy Purina One Adult Maturity +7 800g pouches.
This brings me on nicely to the reason for this missive...
During the winter we often have a herd of hedgehogs setting up home in our compost heap. I'm sure that you are aware that it is extremely rare for Hedgehogs to gather in a herd in the wild as they are solitary animals.
On average I would say that at any given time (They don't really seem to understand time, I know this for fact as they are always late for the appointments I schedule with them) there is at least seven of them camping out down there.
This previously perceived nuisance could in actual fact be of mutual benefit to my Mother and I and yourselves. Have you considered a Hedgehog flavoured cat food?
I'm not overly familiar with the gourmet pallet of the common house cat but would be astonished if they were likely to turn their noses up when presented with a bowl of delicious chunky Hedgehog in jelly, wouldn't you be?
Although Hedgehogs uncommonly transmit a characteristic fungal skin infection to human handlers I am willing to don a pair of marigolds this winter and capture a few of the blighters which I would then courier over to your factory (Live of course as I'm sure you have a very efficient killing floor on site)
I would be willing to accept a nominal charge of £700 per Hedgehog and 1% of quarterly profit you make on the new flavour pouches. This would then enable Mother & I to have what I would consider to be a rather jolly yet somewhat awkward adventure in Brittany next summer (Awkward in as much as any holiday a 37 year old man takes with his elderly Mother would be).
I very much look forward to your reply on this matter and hope that once the venture is successfully launched that perhaps we may be able to undertake further joint ventures in a new range of cat foods, I have an Uncle in Dorset who has terrible bother with Badgers which could be of some use to us.
With very kind regards indeed,
Arnold Stephen Farquart-Glubbe
My Mother is an avid lover of cats and highly recommends your products to other like minded people she meets at her Water Hopscotch group at Hagerstown Baths on Wednesdays.
Her favoured bread of feline is the Affenpinscher, this was decided with complete predecision of partiality after watching an episode of Casualty in which Charlie Fairhead & Martin 'Ash' Ashford shared an apple turnover for elevenses.
We have been buying 'Adult Maturity +7' from various retailers for the past seven months at the rate of two 800g pouches a day. As you can imagine this has amounted to quite a considerable cost to us and I somewhat fear that this will prove to diminish my expected inheritance windfall when Mother eventually departs this mortal realm
The truth is we have been spending so much on cat food that we have been unable to take a holiday in Brittany this summer.
The situation is compounded by the fact that we don't even own a cat due to the fact Mother is allergic to their breath.
But your televisual advertisements are made with such persuasive eloquence that we feel it would be foolish of us not buy Purina One Adult Maturity +7 800g pouches.
This brings me on nicely to the reason for this missive...
During the winter we often have a herd of hedgehogs setting up home in our compost heap. I'm sure that you are aware that it is extremely rare for Hedgehogs to gather in a herd in the wild as they are solitary animals.
On average I would say that at any given time (They don't really seem to understand time, I know this for fact as they are always late for the appointments I schedule with them) there is at least seven of them camping out down there.
This previously perceived nuisance could in actual fact be of mutual benefit to my Mother and I and yourselves. Have you considered a Hedgehog flavoured cat food?
I'm not overly familiar with the gourmet pallet of the common house cat but would be astonished if they were likely to turn their noses up when presented with a bowl of delicious chunky Hedgehog in jelly, wouldn't you be?
Although Hedgehogs uncommonly transmit a characteristic fungal skin infection to human handlers I am willing to don a pair of marigolds this winter and capture a few of the blighters which I would then courier over to your factory (Live of course as I'm sure you have a very efficient killing floor on site)
I would be willing to accept a nominal charge of £700 per Hedgehog and 1% of quarterly profit you make on the new flavour pouches. This would then enable Mother & I to have what I would consider to be a rather jolly yet somewhat awkward adventure in Brittany next summer (Awkward in as much as any holiday a 37 year old man takes with his elderly Mother would be).
I very much look forward to your reply on this matter and hope that once the venture is successfully launched that perhaps we may be able to undertake further joint ventures in a new range of cat foods, I have an Uncle in Dorset who has terrible bother with Badgers which could be of some use to us.
With very kind regards indeed,
Arnold Stephen Farquart-Glubbe
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