Dear Purina One,
My Mother is an avid lover of cats and highly recommends your products to other like minded people she meets at her Water Hopscotch group at Hagerstown Baths on Wednesdays.
Her favoured bread of feline is the Affenpinscher, this was decided with complete predecision of partiality after watching an episode of Casualty in which Charlie Fairhead & Martin 'Ash' Ashford shared an apple turnover for elevenses.
We have been buying 'Adult Maturity +7' from various retailers for the past seven months at the rate of two 800g pouches a day. As you can imagine this has amounted to quite a considerable cost to us and I somewhat fear that this will prove to diminish my expected inheritance windfall when Mother eventually departs this mortal realm
The truth is we have been spending so much on cat food that we have been unable to take a holiday in Brittany this summer.
The situation is compounded by the fact that we don't even own a cat due to the fact Mother is allergic to their breath.
But your televisual advertisements are made with such persuasive eloquence that we feel it would be foolish of us not buy Purina One Adult Maturity +7 800g pouches.
This brings me on nicely to the reason for this missive...
During the winter we often have a herd of hedgehogs setting up home in our compost heap. I'm sure that you are aware that it is extremely rare for Hedgehogs to gather in a herd in the wild as they are solitary animals.
On average I would say that at any given time (They don't really seem to understand time, I know this for fact as they are always late for the appointments I schedule with them) there is at least seven of them camping out down there.
This previously perceived nuisance could in actual fact be of mutual benefit to my Mother and I and yourselves. Have you considered a Hedgehog flavoured cat food?
I'm not overly familiar with the gourmet pallet of the common house cat but would be astonished if they were likely to turn their noses up when presented with a bowl of delicious chunky Hedgehog in jelly, wouldn't you be?
Although Hedgehogs uncommonly transmit a characteristic fungal skin infection to human handlers I am willing to don a pair of marigolds this winter and capture a few of the blighters which I would then courier over to your factory (Live of course as I'm sure you have a very efficient killing floor on site)
I would be willing to accept a nominal charge of £700 per Hedgehog and 1% of quarterly profit you make on the new flavour pouches. This would then enable Mother & I to have what I would consider to be a rather jolly yet somewhat awkward adventure in Brittany next summer (Awkward in as much as any holiday a 37 year old man takes with his elderly Mother would be).
I very much look forward to your reply on this matter and hope that once the venture is successfully launched that perhaps we may be able to undertake further joint ventures in a new range of cat foods, I have an Uncle in Dorset who has terrible bother with Badgers which could be of some use to us.
With very kind regards indeed,
Arnold Stephen Farquart-Glubbe
