There was an old woman who lived in a shoe.

Seriously there was, I saw her with me own peepers. It was just behind the Lidl in Dalston.
It was a really nice shoe actually. The old woman said it originally came as one of a pair but the council sold the other one off to the developers who built the Lidl.
In the end the old woman moved away. She shares an old tissue box with her sister down Margate way now. It's not even man sized, bless 'em.

Thats you that is!

Overheard on the tube

'We just had egg with it in the end'

The Wonder of John Salako - Part 1

John Salako enjoys swallowing Transformer toys in vehicle mode and then pooing them out transformed into robots.

Is the 'Credit Crunch' forcing you to eat used condoms as if they are some sort of comestible?

According to the Daily Mirror due to the financial crisis used condoms are now the staple diet of almost 9% of Cardiff

I shall travel by donkey...

Expect me for tea next Thursday.

Embarrassing moments #72

I once urinated behind Lorraine Kelly during a live broadcast.
My mother saw it on a video wall in Dixons.

A Badgers tale.

Once upon a time there was a bitter and twisted old badger who liked to go out late at night and

mix it up with the old folks at the retirement home down the road, who liked to read books about fuel distribution and ate lots of cheese flavoured crisps.. which was really a cover for them concocting a Machiavellian plan to use their cheesy breath to take over Whipsnade Wildlife Park and harness animal flatulence as a source of fuel to make them millions of pounds.

Unbeknown to the evil old folk the badger was actually an undercover detective working for Detective John Nettles of Bergerac fame, who had come over from Jersey/Guernsey especially to tackle this case as his face had been badly damaged by an elephant fart whilst on location filming midsummer murders and he was hoping to combine the trip with a visit to Harley street for some reconstructive facial surgery.

However, this had to be put on hold, as he was so ugly and boring looking no surgeon in the world had the skills to improve his face.

So John Nettles decided to reconstruct his own face by using an ingenious combination of lamb chops and a staple gun!

But this left him looking like Cambodia's Prime Minister Hun Sen, who was said to be the driving force behind the evil animal flatulence plan.

Unsurprisingly Hun Sen didn't take kindly to this impostor and decided he wanted Nettles killed!

But his orders were lost in translation and the old folk went around the country destroying stinging nettles, which were in fact the source of the animals flatulence.

This was arguably the beginning of the end for their plan for world domination, that coupled with the unexpected difficulties in collecting animal farts which was acting as a potent sexual drug and making all the old folk randy for the badger.

The Badger actually found the whiff of old man trousers pretty erotic, which obviously meant he took his eye of the ball (so to speak) with the undercover work, but he didn't mind as he was getting a rather good seeing to.

Hero of the day

Robert Peston (or R-Pest as I like to call him), noted by some to be laconic and pessimistic in his style of delivery.
Tainted by The Times as "ragged and querulous" & by his own admissions "Not as polished as some".

More trusted than either Gordon Brown or David Cameron on economic matters according to a quarter of those polled for the McCann Erickson advertising agency, compared with seven per cent for the prime minister and four per cent for the Tory leader.

Son of economist and former Labour peer (Baron) Maurice Peston, author of 'Brown's Britain', described by Sir Howard Davies (Director of the London School Of Economics) as "a book of unusual political significance", & 'Who runs Britain?' of which Polly Tonybee of The Gaurdian said : "Reading Peston's book, you can only be flabbergasted all over again at how Labour kowtowed to wealth, glorified the City and put all the nation's economic eggs into one dangerous basket of fizzy finance."

Husband of Writer Sian Busby and lifelong Arsenal fan.

What a man! And I am sure our female readers will agree, a bit of a dish.

Yet despite all of the above mentioned glories and praise I am sure you will all agree that Robert's greatest achievement is his collection of 500 singles from the 1970's, which he listens to whilst relaxing.

Robert can be seen most week nights on the BBC's 10 O'clock news throwing out phrases such as 'Credit Crunch', 'Economic Downturn' & 'City Fat Cats' in his own laconic and pessimistic style.

Remember when we saw...

Sanjay in the mixer?

An introduction to 'Remember when we saw...'

During the coming weeks, or for as long as I use this application to bring myself some form of entertainment, I shall be running a series or 'articles' titled 'Remember when we saw...'

These 'articles' will mostly be based around recollections I have of times when I saw certain people.

Now obviously this seems pretty dull (And I can not guarantee that it won't be), but can you imagine the excitement and sense of anticipation?

Arnolds dog

Design by Brave Citizen

The need for a new spoon

All the spoons I own are just dull regular spoons.

Bramichs beer belt

Bramichs beer hat

Everybody Loves A Tea-Dance

Had a very weird night last night -

Visited a bar in Lambeth that Bobby Valentino is always raving about,
he said...

'We have to go upstairs 'cos there's a library and open fires!'

But what was actually upstairs was a very strange party, which we gatecrashed, where the guests consisted of young oriental looking ladies and old etonian type gentlemen.

Some of the gents were sporting some rather bizarre footwear - spats, floral wellies, that kind of thing.

They had tea-dance music and the Rolling Stones playing on the music system.

A good time was had by all but sadly we did not win the raffle.